If I Emailed My Parents Like Democrats Email Me

SUBJECT: I’m DESPERATE, Mom

Mom, did you see this?!?

FIRST: I got a $300 traffic ticket because I forgot about alternate side parking.

THEN: I saw this really cute shirt and it was $95, but that’s actually a good deal because I’m definitely going to wear it a lot.

NOW: Rent is due, and according to my most recent calculations, we’re about $395 short.